There is a growing movement worldwide towards a new way of parenting in the hope of producing a different sort of family experience despite living in one of the most hectic and challenging eras of human history.
The term “conscious parenting” captures the idea of parenting with awareness – of remaining switched on, firmly occupying the adult caregiver role, while ushering young lives towards maturity with as little conflict and stress as possible. As a way to raise children, the intention is that the children of conscious parents will generally be more connected, more secure within themselves, and more highly skilled in the communication and conflict resolution skills all of us need to navigate adult life.
If parenting is about raising children in readiness for when they have to stand on their own two feet (and it is), the ideal for any switched-on parent is to have children who can find their way in the adult world with strength and honour – and without falling apart in the face of life’s many challenges.
Parents have a billion hopes and aspirations when it comes to their kids. The most common feedback I get from clients is they fear loss of connection with their own children and drifting apart as they head into the teenage years and adulthood. In even the most tumultuous household, the majority of parents want to trust that when things get really difficult for their child, the child will turn to them for help and counsel.
For me as a parent, the single-most important thing was maintaining a warm, genuine, human, caring connection with my kids that has become a lifeline as they grow up. It’s a lock-step security mechanism that assures me there’s a solid connection whether my children and I are together or not, and which also means that if there’s important stuff going on in their lives or they need counsel or material support, they will actually reach out to me and let me know what they need so I can help.
The truth is we never cease being parents, though sadly for some families that stops being the experience as the years go by.
It’s not really possible to know the truth of how things were for families in our ancient past, where we valorise the idea of simpler times and greater connection to the earth and the world around us. But it’s possible that conscious parenting offers a return to that more ancient way of parenting that collapsed in the face of societies becoming increasingly more complicated, busy and fast-paced.
The family unit as a whole is not doing well in the Twenty-First Century and the parent-child bond is in real danger of disintegration.
It’s also important here to note “conscious parenting” often gets lumped in with “gentle parenting” and they are not really the same thing. As far as I understand it, the intent of gentle parenting is the same as conscious parenting, but that pesky little word “gentle” leads to a minefield where many parents can go wrong.
Although conscious parenting can indeed often be gentle, that doesn’t mean parents don’t set firm boundaries, strong limits, or offer consequences for misbehaviour. There’s gentleness in the sense that a conscious parent is completely against any form of violence – as we all should be – which includes violence in words as well as actions. And gentleness is definitely a component too of how any of us foster connection with another human being.
(Spoiler alert: the essence of conscious parenting is treating your own children like whole-ass grown human beings).
Does roughness, violence, aggression, harshness or brutality forge connections with anyone? No.
And so we can say conscious parenting is certainly a more gentle form of parenting than the styles we’re seeking to avoid. But “gentle” parenting often sees parents go so softly with their own children that the household dissolves into lawlessness and disrespect, and it’s a cliché to say even though it’s true: children need firm boundaries just like a vine needs a trellis to grow. Structure and security provide a base from which young people can flourish. Too much gentleness is an absence of structure and consequence and becomes a very poor training academy for the “real world” where consequences abound in force.
I offer coaching services for parents to help resolve specific household dilemmas and I also offer an extended schedule of appointments that is basically a training course in the principles underlying conscious parenting. These are the basic principles from which a parent can operate to get safe, effective outcomes with children while also fostering a loving connection and warm humility in the face of challenges. These principles are also a bedrock to which the client can return in times of stress to check in with themselves, a bit like a compass, to ensure they’re still on track.
To support this work, I also run regular free Q&A forums on Zoom for parents to check in and troubleshoot specific challenges. People report that even just listening to other parents working through their problems is a big help because many of us face the same difficulties albeit in different forms. To find out more about the Zoom Q&As click here or drop me a line if you’d like to book a session directly.